Separation with children: the duties of parents and the best way to deal with the situation

Separation with children – A separation involving joint children is a challenge for all concerned. Legal and organisational changes occur mainly for the parents, but the most important thing is probably the emotional burden and how the parents deal with these changes. Children should always be taken into consideration when separating and therefore certain behaviours should be observed. Back to the guide: Divorce & Real Estate.

Children during separation – emotional stress and the right way for parents to deal with it

During a separation or divorce, the children and the parents go through a change that will shape them. Whether this imprint is positive or negative depends mainly on the behavior of the parents. In order to make the separation as pleasant as possible and to burden the children as little as possible with these problems, we, the experts at Lukinski, have put together important tips for you.

The most important at a glance

• The behaviour of the parents is elementary important to prepare the children well for the separation. Open communication within the family helps to eliminate ambiguities.
• A conflict of loyalties for the child should be avoided at all costs!
• After a separation, family life changes and needs to be reorganised. The children should be actively involved in these decisions to ensure an ongoing family life.
• Children, like their parents, go through a change during a separation that shapes them for the future. Especially for young children it is important to recognize the unity of the family even after the separation and not to lose this fixed point.

The task of parents – how to behave correctly

Once a relationship is broken, sooner or later this fact must be admitted. However, the decision to separate is often associated with many unpleasant feelings, disagreements and disputes. Moreover, this step is only the beginning of a series of upheavals and changes. Since the situation is already not easy for the parents, they often find it difficult to leave the joint children out of disputes. However, when separating with children, there are a number of things that should be considered in order to protect the children and the family.

Demarcation between partner and parent

When separating, it is important to distinguish the role as a partner and the role as a parent. You should not forget that even if they have resentment or negative feelings towards the ex-partner, you still remain a parent. This role should not be forgotten or disadvantaged during the separation. In front of the joint children, such feelings should be suppressed and the children should be kept out of arguments as much as possible. Act as a parent with your ex-partner in front of the children and settle disputes in private as partners.

Communication is the be-all and end-all

The separation should be openly communicated by the parents with the children. This is best done in an open conversation before the separation, where the children have the opportunity to ask questions and have enough time to adjust to the situation. Presenting children with a fait accompli only leads to lasting confusion and lots of unanswered questions. Such a conversation is also necessary for children who are already old enough to suspect a separation through previous behaviour, as otherwise unanswered questions remain and loyalty conflicts may arise. Openness is very important in this situation to avoid disputes and ambiguities.

Avoiding a conflict of loyalties

No matter how much the parents quarrel or how great the resentment towards the ex-partner is, the children must not get these disputes. If the children are dragged into the quarrel, it often comes to a conflict of loyalty for the child. However, there are many things that parents do unknowingly during a separation that can lead to such conflicts for children. Secrecy about what to do, pushing for decisions, or defaming the other in their absence can have disastrous effects on the child’s emotional well-being. Both parents should therefore remain neutral towards the child and avoid statements against the other partner in any case.

The child remains a child

Especially with small children, the processing of the separation often manifests itself in disagreements. Whether petulance, irritability or generally bad behavior. These changes in behaviour are an expression of the child’s grief and anger. Such feelings should be given space so that the child can also digest the divorce. However, education is still very important, otherwise the child will lose the sense of right and wrong. During the separation, parents should not forget that the child still remains a child and must be treated as such.

• The behaviour of the parents is elementary important to prepare the children well for the separation.
• Open communication within the family helps to eliminate ambiguities
• A conflict of loyalties for the child should be avoided at all costs!

The future situation – residence, visitation rights and family celebrations

The traditional model of mother, father, child is now the exception rather than the rule. There are all kinds of families, from single parents to large patchwork families. Separation is an issue for many children and most of them are able to cope with the situation because the parents have managed the situation well. Finding a stable balance after the separation between both parents is important and meanwhile also well possible.

After the separation, the parents must decide how to proceed. Where should the child live, how often does the other person see the child, what should the upbringing look like, where will family celebrations be held, and so on. If these points are clarified, nothing stands in the way of further separate family life. There are now many children with two homes that can offer different things. Peace and security with the mother, action and fun with the father. It is important for the children to have a fixed point, a home to which they can relate and which remains a place of retreat for them. It is important not to give the children the feeling of being alone, but to maintain the family feeling.

It can become problematic for families when attempts are made to replace a parent. Especially in the case of separations with young children, it is very likely that a new partner will enter the life of a parent at some point. While a stepfather or stepmother can enrich life in a patchwork family, no new parent can replace the birth one. Even in such forms of family life, it is important to maintain contact with the natural parent. Here again the good cooperation of the parents is needed, because the ex-partner also has to get used to the idea of a new partner in the ex-partner’s life. Good communication and understanding from all sides helps to ease the situation for the child.

• After a separation, family life changes and needs to be reorganised
• The children should be actively involved in these decisions to ensure an ongoing family life.

The impact on the child – especially difficult for young children.

Even today, children of divorce or children with separated parents are automatically seen as problem children and are often still perceived by society as being frowned upon, although this has long since ceased to be the spirit of the times. However, there is no denying that when parents divorce or separate, children also go through a change that also shapes them for the future. So, proper handling especially of young children is elementary during a separation. Young children often feel the bond with their parents as a unit, so knowing about the separation of this unit is often perceived as a betrayal. It is therefore very important to prepare the child gently for the changes and to convey the feeling that this unity continues, just in a different form. The child needs the support and trust of both parents and must be able to continue to recognise the family framework. The final effect of the divorce on the child depends enormously on the behaviour and interaction of the parents.

• Children, like their parents, go through a change when they separate that shapes them for the future.
• Especially for young children it is important to recognize the unity of the family even after the separation and not to lose this fixed point.

Divorce: guide, help and tips

Divorce is complex, it’s true. But you are not alone! Many let themselves separate and in fact, a large part always finds a good solution. Only a small part ends in a quarrel. So that you can prepare well, you will find here our small guides and tips on divorce, family, money and real estate.

• Divorce: Guide